Out with Hipster Food, In with Hipster… Balls

I heard once, and now I forgot where, that hipsterism is officially dead: All hipsters have just become foodies.

That’s the kind of sweeping statement that begs to be analyzed (see: The Atlantic article on such things).  It’s the kind of hyperbole you just have to sink your teeth into.  Anyway, after thinking hard about it for maybe two minutes, I have to disagree.

I can say, with all confidence, that food is not the next bastion of hipsterdom — it is, quite obviously, sports.  Think about it — if you were to to unfairly generalize hipster character traits the top of the list would have to be a love of irony, unapologetic geekiness, a carefully cultivated appreciation of  pop culture, and a finely-tuned sense nostalgia.  All of these things, to me, point directly to sports.

Example #1

Here is a group of three names: Malcolm Gladwell, Dave Eggers, and Chuck Klosterman.  If someone told you they were collaborating on a project together, what would you think it would be?  A youth literary fundraiser? A roundtable on the plight of self-awareness in literature?  A celebrity somolier app for your iPad?  All these things seem more likely than the truth, which is that they are all editors at Bill Simmons’ ESPN-backed sports blog Grantland. Gladwell, Eggers and Klosterman — THE TRIUMVIRATE OF COFFEESHOP NAMECHECKING — all with a profound passion for sport.  Also, check out Simmons’ recent podcast with John Walsh that focused solely on another hipster idol /sports fiend, Hunter Thompson.

Example #2

Hipsters strive to let you know that they appreciate something you love on a much deeper level than you do — doing so validates that their passion is more authentic than yours.  They also like to geek out.  This is why hipsters love sabermetrics — it’s an way to say, “Yes, I enjoy this too, but my enjoyment of this is considerably deeper and more rewarding than yours.”  This same argument has been made about everything from The Velvet Underground to The Muppets.  And don’t get me going about Moneyball, or the fact that Moneyball was adapted by Aaron Sorkin.  Everybody was jazzed about that one.  The only bigger announcement for the hipster world would’ve been if Noah Baumbach directed a rotoscoped version of Kafka on the Shore.

Example #3

Nostalgia is the lifeblood of the hipster.  Everything you find in the attic that was packed up as a kid — it is now gold.  Because the past = youth = innocence = authenticity.  Sun-faded photos of kids on big wheels are the stuff of indie EPs!  Parent’s gigantic plastic reading glasses are  urban fashion de rigueur.  That old replica jersey of Will Clark?! YES!  Do you have that Dream Team T-shirt? That shit is TIGHT. It is FOR REAL!  Wear it to LOLLA!

Okay.  I doth protest too much.  I like sports.  I like Moneyball.  I listen to Bill Simmons all the time.  I may talk about football on this blog more than anything else.  That said, I welcome the emergence of sports fanaticism as something that both jocks and art kids can love. Could I just throw out there that I even tried to start an Indie Rock fantasy league?  True Story.

Thanks for Nothing, Graph.

I figured tracking my fantasy football stats would help me make some good choices by end-of-season playoff time, i.e. now.  Ummm, yeah.  This graph just demonstrates how I’m definitely going to make the wrong choice this week….

Mel Gibson Breakdown (Literally)

I was in a brief discussion about how a lot of Mel Gibson movies seem to have Christ-like figures, or Christian messages in them.  They also have lots of ‘splosians.  Here’s a diagram so you can keep them straight.

The Chilliest Wave of Them All

Yeah.  It’s the new buzz term.  Any band you may have heard for the last three or so months has probably been called “chillwave”.  Based on the description of said genre, a large amount of bands you may have liked for the last 5+ years may also may now be looped into the descriptor of “chillwave”.  Nothing is beyond it’s grasp.  Do you like Ariel Pink? Best Coast? Panda Bear? Boards of Canada? Beach House? m83? The Avalanches? Deerhunter? Broken Social Scene?  Fennesz? Well my friend… you like chillwave.

“Wait,” you say, “all those bands existed years  BEFORE this newfangled term.”

Yes, but all of that is irrelevant now.  The wave is upon us.

I’m writing a few little posts about it, the first one is up now.

1. The strange origination of Chillwave
2. The bands of Chillwave
3. The aesthetic of Chillwave

Hey, I’m Here Now

http://adeadkid.wordpress.com/author/bdazzle/

Also, I’ll post stuff here still, promise.

Style Points

It’s dated now, but I felt like posting it here.  Originally on Third Coast Digest…  (alternate headlines were going to be either “Rocky: On Ice”, or “Subject to Style”)

American League versus National League. Lakers versus Celtics. The Greatest Show on Turf versus the 4-3. As all sports fans will ponder at some point, “Am I a purist, or am I a spectator?” Do you live to watch practice pay off in victory, or crave the unpredictability that raw athleticism can bring to sport? While who wins and who loses is recorded forever in the box score, a sports fan lives to discuss the game well past when it’s recorded in an almanac.

In an argument that will eternally rage, I now add figure skaters Russian Evgeni Plushenko and American Evan Lysacek into this list of diametrical opposition. At first glance, they have all the great traits of classic rivals — Johnson/Bird, Bjorn/McEnroe, Balboa/Drago — but has there ever been a stranger pair of rivals than at last night’s Olympic skate-off?

This is what was so intriguing: Skating scores are weighted based not only on what is achieved, but on how it is achieved. What we saw last night is two athletes performing the same required feats, but receiving a different score — as a rule. In the weird world of professional skating, this is how it works. Plushenko, the mulleted graceless athlete versus Lysacek, a slick-coiffed ice-dramatist are on equal footing. It’s such a strange, unique situation.

Imagine footballer Chad Ochocinco’s post-TD antics yielding him a favorable .3 point edge to sneak in front of a mundane Dallas Clark hand-the-football-to-the-ref celebration. Or Curt Schilling’s edgy sock decoration eeking out a nail-biting World Series game.

The question remains: Is it a “sport” if a game is subjectively scored, or worse yet, scored only by the well-informed elite? One would argue “no” if a golfer’s exaggerated fist-pump would take a stroke off their total. Meanwhile, mogul skiiers, gymnasts, all X-sporters and perhaps even the BCS would have to emphatically disagree.

The arguments will continue to rage, but as Plushenko’s mullet whirls as he lands his patented quadruple axle, and Lysacek glides by be-feathered in a Vera Wang onesie, ask yourself: Does rewarding dramatics devalue sports, or is it just the honest admission that we watch sports for the entertainment, not just the final score?

Bears Open their Checkbook and Little Black Book for Free Agent Signings

As the NFL Free Agent signing period begins on Friday, let’s take a quick look at the Chicago Bears’ [sarcasm] remarkable successes recognizing and nurturing free agent talent while compensating them fairly [/sarcasm].

In Jerry Angelo and Lovie Smith’s tenure there has been one over-arching acquisition trend: The coaching staff hiring athletes that used to play in “their system” who turn out to be no good at all.  (Highlighted in orange are some good transactions.  Note the lack of orange.)

Let’s take a look at some of their transactions since 2007…

2007
DT – Anthony Adams
S – Adam Archuleta *cut* *retired* (Former Ram (01-05) player for Lovie Smith and Gil Byrd)
DT – Darwin Walker *retired* (Former Eagle player for ST Coach Dave Toub)
DT – Matt Toeaina

2008
RB – Kevin Jones *perennially injured* (Former Lion player for Rod Marinelli)
WR – Devin Aromashodu (Former Colt player for Tony Dungy)
WR – Brandon Lloyd *cut* (Former 49er WR during QB Coach Pep Hamilton’s tenure)
WR – Marty Booker *traded away in ’06 – re-signed in ’08 – cut in ’09* (Former Bear player for Lovie Smith)

2009
Asst Head Coach / DL Coach – Rod Marinelli *0-16* (Former Buc coach with Lovie Smith)
TE – Michael Gaines *cut to make room for Gaines Adams* (former Lion player for Rod Marinelli)
DE – Gaines Adams *traded for 2010 2nd round draft pick, deceased* (former Buc player for Jon Gruden)
OLB – Tina Pisaismioa *injured in quarter 1, game 1* (former Ram player for Lovie Smith and Bob Babich)
T – Orlando Pace *waived March 2010* (played for Rams during Smith/Babich tenure)
QB – Brett Bassonez (played for Northwestern during coach Eric Washington’s tenure)
QB – Jay Cutler
G – Frank Omiyale
T – Kevin Shaffer
CB Coach – John Hoke (Former Missouri coach with Dave Toub, Harry Hiestand and Chris Tabor, ties to Lovie Smith)
S – Josh Bullokcs *benched*
DB – Glenn Earl (former player for DB Coach Jon Hoke)
LB – Cato June *signed then cut within 2 weeks* (Former Colt player for Tony Dungy)
CB – Rod Hood *signed 9/1/09, waived 9/4/09*

Senior Director of Pro Personnel Bobby Depaul *fired*

———————————————————————–

March 5th Update.

Wow.  Twelve hours into the free agent market the Bears (who lack any real draft picks this year) snagged Panthers’ Defensive End Julius Peppers, Vikes’ Running Back Chester Taylor, and Rams’ TE Brandon Manumaleuna.  So… if you’re keeping score… the trend really hasn’t changed, hopefully the outcome will.

2010 (To Be Continued…)
Offensive Line Coach – Mike Tice
Offensive Coordinator – Mike Martz (former Rams coach with Lovie Smith)
DE – Julius Peppers
RB – Chester Taylor (former Vikings player for Mike Tice)
TE – Brandon Manumaleuna (former Rams player for Mike Martz)

Write an Album in a Month

“But Brian,” you ask, “do you know what you’re doing?”

NOPE!  RPM’s encouraging me to do so, and I’m encouraging my friends to do so, so I’m considering taking a shot at it as well.

I think Carl Newman once said an original voice comes from being inept at mimicking your favorite artists.  I’m inept!  I can do this!

This is What it Means to Be Brett Favre

Divisionaries' Brett Favre poster, comprised of kittens and puppies.

Sadly, our football column, Divisionaries for Milwaukee’s Third Coast Digest will be concluding for the season soon and Rob wrote a great re-cap of Brett Favre’s most epic fail yet.  I did too, and I decided to post it here, now:

As the third team in as many years learned Sunday, you live by Brett Favre, and you die by Brett Favre.   In a season that saw both former Favre teams make the playoffs with “lesser” quarterbacks, the Packer faithful in  Milwaukee, Rhinelander, Superior, Madison, (and yes Rob, even Neenah),  said in unison, “Toldya soooo.”

Nothing should solidify Cheesehead faith in quarterback Aaron Rodgers more than watching Brett Favre (and his double-edged throwing arm) toss an ill-advised cross-field pass in the waning seconds of regular time to the opposing New Orleans Saints in an otherwise dominant Vikings performance.

Aside from “destiny”, all things were were going Minnesota’s way.

Worse-case scenario, the Vikes would set up a considerably long game-winning field goal. If missed, all things looked good in overtime for a Vikings team that owned every statistical category worth mentioning, aside from the one that decides games the most — turnovers.  In a Favrian effort, the Vikings looked unstoppable, save for their constant knack for fumbling the ball over.

It was sadistic. It hearkened back to the decade-plus reign of Favre in Wisconsin, when fans would tolerate the troughs (on and off the field), living for the exultant peaks of his game.  It was entertaining for Packer fans probably …  finally able to watch Favre as an informed spectator, observing the near-Greek Tragedy of highs and lows play out in a game that meant nothing (directly) to Green Bay faithful.

Thought assisted generously by questionable officiating the Saints assuredly marched towards an OT win while Favre, reminiscent of his last “Pick Heard ‘Round The World” against the NY Giants, watched from the sidelines after his most-recent (and perhaps last?) boneheaded interception.

Minnesotans finally bore the weight of what it is to have Brett as your quarterback.  As unwilling soothsayer Jim Souhan of the Minneapolis Star Tribune said after Favre’s win against the 49ers earlier this year, “This is what it means to be Brett Favre. This is what it means to have Brett Favre. This is what it means to watch Brett Favre.”

Feel free to shoot me an email if you would like an extra-large poster of Puppy/Kitten Brett.  Price: Negotiable.

Conan: High Budget Low Brow Gold

Though I’m sad Conan O’Brien will not be carrying on the legacy of The Tonight Show, I feel partly vindicated that once O’Brien knew he would be off the air, he lightened up again, and his ratings soared.

If feels the new time-slot (ney, audience) forced him to be more buttoned up, less silly/absurd, which really is what made Coco the beloved goofball that he is.

Seeing a new clip this week reminded me of how far Conan had come from his self-admitted low budget late night gig.  Take for example, Whale Week, a week’s worth of skits from mid-era Conan in which they incorporated a giant whale costume because it was too expensive to use once:

Look how far we’ve come.  Earlier this week Conan claimed to be planning unfunny but very expensive skits, including this alleged $1.5 million prank of dressing the most expensive car in the world up as a mouse, while playing a rare Rolling Stones original recording.  Hilarious.

Check out the video here (as NBC has pulled it from their website).  First of all, it’s funny.  Second of all, it’s expensive (though prolly not $1.5 mil expensive, as you can borrow a car of the lot for the free pub).  Thirdly, it’s funny-cuz-it’s-weird Old School Conan.  The skit seems to reference his old absurdist one-offs I always loved (isn’t that right, Cactus Chef playing ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ on the Flute?).

Oh, Cony-cone-cone.  We still love you.  Can’t wait to see where you’ll wind up next.  Cabin Boy 2?